As an fitness professional, how do you handle it when your spouse is very unfit?

Because you married him when he was fit!

No not so .... I'll be married 30 years this year.

I was not in the fitness industry when I was younger. It's just that we were brought up to be health conscious. Neither one of us would allow ourselves to become unfit as it would most definitely, in one way or another, affect our relationship.

Hi, my comment was to answer your statement "I don't know how, as a trainer, any of us would have a partner that was out of shape." So my answer is that a trainer would have a partner that was out of shape because she married him when he was fit.

No doubt though that it is affecting their relationship. At this point, the instructor who brought this issue up in our instructor meeting, is thinking of leaving the industry due to embarrassment and a sense of failure. I hope that all the answers here will be helpful to her and most certainly will make for an interesting instructor meeting. Thank you for your answer.

it begs a question- how long do you think she would be your girlfriend if she was morbidly obese?

Jude, I'm sure that I'm reading too much into this, but I can't help but sense that based on the premises of the question you have just asked me, you have gotten the impression that I'm either shallow or a hopeless and hapless romantic. I'm sure those are both incorrect assumptions, however, on both our parts. I do think that you should have worded your question differently based on the medium of communication we're using.

That's a legitimate question. There is a difference between being out of shape or overweight and being morbidly obese. I have enough respect for myself that I'm not willing to tolerate bad decision after bad decision after bad decision. Morbid obesity doesn't just all of a sudden "hit ya!" If I didn't agree with her lifestyle at all, ever, then I would not be with her. If she became morbidly obese because of a medical problem or something that was obviously out of her control, then I would stick with her until the end and help her if she wanted that help.

If she didn't want help with correcting a life-threatening illness (morbid obesity), then I would have to search elsewhere for someone who cares about herself and isn't slowly committing suicide... I have respect for people who have respect for themselves.

Furthermore, one could make the argument that a recognized fitness professional should not have an unfit spouse. It affects credibility regardless of how strong the feelings are. The bottom line is, fit people generally look for fit people to have a relationship with. I would argue that a fitness professional should keep in mind more than just love for another person. (When I say "you" I don't mean Jude Forsyth, I mean any person in general) If you love what you do, and if fitness is your passion, then in my mind, you deserve someone who shares MOST of your core values and beliefs. It is not wrong to want to be happy in life. It is not wrong to leave someone based on the fact that you aren't happy in the relationship, that's your prerogative. It is not wrong to leave someone based on the fact that you feel like the other person should be doing more to take charge of health and isn't, that's your prerogative as well. What IS wrong, in my book, is to sit idly by and do nothing to encourage healthy living. What IS wrong, in my book, is to stick around after having tried everything and reached your limit when the other person seems to have no regard for your feelings or concerns. What IS wrong, in my book, is to not have enough respect for yourself to stick to your own standards and be true to yourself.

When another person's bad decisions become a lifestyle, then it's time to pack your bags, stop your bellyaching, and have enough respect for yourself to get out of the toxic relationship that you're in. Period. Is that hard? Absolutely! Will it be worth it? Who knows... Will you be able to take comfort in the fact that you stood up for yourself and stuck to your principles? You should be able to if you aren't.

This isn't black and white. There are too many factors to address. Happiness is important in all aspects of life. Life is full of upsets, mistakes, and disappointment. Life is also full of opportunity, joy, and achievement. As someone who strives for the latter, I seek others who share that ideal. Habitually bad lifestyle decisions are not a part of that ideal, and I will not tolerate it in my personal life. That should answer the question =) It was truly a good, legitimate question, Jude! I'm glad you asked!

Yep, you're right- you read too much into it! I am not suggesting anything about you but my comment does suggest that the answers to this question are different for different levels of relationships. You have an option to break up with the girlfriend. The option to divorce a spouse is far beyond that idea.

Your answer was very interesting and well written.

One other assumption you might be making is that I have an unfit spouse when actually the question came out of an instructor program. An instructor is thinking about quitting the fitness field because of her embarrassment and sense of failure.

I do want to say one thing about your answer in that you express strong sediments about having respect for one's self and indicating it is a self duty to leave the marriage under those circumstances. You may also want to think about the permanence of marriage in the "for better or worse" concept. This may conflict with your personal idea of "habitually bad lifestyle choices are not part of the deal, and I will not tolerate it in my personal life."

I suggest to you that in the marriage oath, bad habits are part of the deal! Certainly not to the extend of taking the spouse down with you, such as addiction, violence, crime, etc. Our divorce rate is way beyond 50% now with the children paying the price. As over 60 % of Americans are now overweight, if we added "get thinner or we are divorced" to the mix, the divorce rate would skyrocket!

The fallout of walking away from your oath may be more than living with the spouse through this time when he is "ill."

Being a tai chi teacher I think the real culprit is stress, PTS of a personal nature (not war), and low self-esteem. I don't think the average PT is educated or experienced enough to take on these real factors. In a way, the diet and exercise model is like a band aide; like suggesting aspirin for fever-treat the symptom not the cause.

Nothing will change until we treat the spirit of the person who is sabotaging themselves. We may think the spirit will improve with smaller pant size, but not really, because the underlying problems that caused the person to hurt them self will still exist.

My advice to the instructor was in the nature of encouragement to counseling for herself and her spouse. Dealing separately with their individual issues and together in support of the marriage. Her spouse has to be well, to get well, not as we westerners think, get well to be well. The mind must lead the body.

Thank you for taking time for such a thorough answer and for your insight. I certainly will bring up all these answers in the instructor meeting.

Jude,

I minimize mistakes by being comfortable with the knowledge that I will never know everything, and that there is always more than one answer to any ideological question. I understand your view on the situation. I would challenge you to address the fact that you may in the future deal with someone who has this very issue, but may not be married in the traditional sense. Times are changing. Marriage is no longer a legal contract for many people. Love is love, "marriage" or not. Divorce is an idea. "For better or worse, richer or poorer, til death do us part" certainly don't apply univerally, even in eastern culture (probably moreso for some). The whole institution of marriage as we are familiar with it is still very much rooted in Christianity, like it or not. It's hard to get away from that bias. I would also challenge you to think outside the box and consider the possibility that younger people with less "experience" still feel just as strongly if not stronger about the same issues.

Insofar as bad habits being a part of the deal, of course they are. I'm a patient man, I understand that. The nature of what I do requires a level of patience that is hard to come by. I have no doubt that you're also aware of that as a fitness professional. I don't think that many psychologists would argue with the fact that making habitually bad decisions is, in fact, a form of addiction in a sense. I totally agree with the fact that one must be well to get well. The reverse is also true, however. This duality is necessary, like it or not, for total health and fitness. That's not my certification or formal education talking, that's what life has taught me, so it's not right or wrong, obviously. Life teaches everyone different lessons. Like Joanne has said before, "you can't give away what you don't own." The knowledge we own is the only knowledge that we can give away. (Kind of a sobering fact if you think about it too hard!) That's what makes us so great! Imagine how boring the world would be if we all knew the same exact things and thought the same way.

Can you ever really be right in the end? I mean, REALLY be right?... That particular question is no different than any other ideological question, it has more than one answer. For this question, my response has definitely been one wrought with opinions and not facts. I'm no counseling psychologist, and I don't claim to be. Were I to encounter this situation in the professional world, suggesting counseling would be the only prudent option. You're right, average personal trainers have no business getting involved in these kinds of dilemmas. But, when it's one of your own (a member of the fitness professional community) you tend to speak your mind anyway i guess =) haha. I guess I'm a realist in that sense... Probably too much so in some cases.

You've brought up some excellent points in this exchange, and I feel edified for having been involved in this conversation. Thank you for taking the time to take me seriously. As someone who is new to this profession, it's difficult to get the time of day from others. That's what I love about this site--everyone is happy to hear a new view on things (myself included!).

I'm going to add the knowledge you have shared with me to my repertoire as it will no doubt come in handy in the future when motivating clients.

Jude, I hope you have a great instructor meeting! I won't say good luck to you because, to me, "luck" implies a lack of ability, which certainly is not case!

I can relate to this. My spouse is "just not into that sort of thing" as he would say. I have often had a very hard time dealing with the fact that we can't be a part of fitness as a couple. But, at the same time, I also realize that we are two separate individuals who compliment each other in other ways. He asked me to turn the table and view it from the perspective of him trying to force me to do something that I really didn't want to do, but that he absolutely believed in. It would be my choice to do it or not. I have often wanted to give up on my own fitness because of the lack of teamwork, but wouldn't that be taking extreme measures? This is my life. It is part of who I am and maybe even part of what he loves about me. Maybe my example may lead him to follow suit. Even if only in bits and peices. That would be better than both of us never doing anything healthy.
We have to realize that we can't control others. We can only help when that person wants the help. You can never force anyone to do something. Every person is an individual and makes their own choices. It is our duty to support them when they are trying and gently encourage them when they are not. When we do this, the effort will be noted. The rest are too shallow to understand anyways.